To write about Desi I could go on forever. I spoke about him at his memorial, and for this I think I'll combine some more thoughts with the ones I've already shared. 

When I first found out about Desi I felt extremely mortal. I wasn't as untouchable as I once was. 

But now I feel less mortal than I ever have in my life, because if I can make it through this, I can make it through anything. 
 
 

It wasn't until Desi was gone that I realized just how completely he was a part of my life. Things that I thought I could never get through, I now realize I could have with Desi. Things that seemed so important were now trivial, things I thought I could never do because of the emotional pain were now laughable. It felt like nothing mattered any more. He was perhaps the only person who I completely opened myself to. I felt like I could be 100% honest with him about anything, and besides, he was always thinking the same thing anyway. 

I thought I died with Desi; now I live because of him. 

You see, Desi was my star. He was the brightest star I ever knew. I never laughed so much as I did with him and I was never understood so well as I was by him. 

We talked a lot. Desi loved to talk as it is, but we talked a lot, about important things, to each other. He would phone when he was on the road and we would have hour-long conversations nights in a row about everything. When I finally wanted to say good bye he'd say "Fine, just ditch me then", I'd say, "Desi! It's 11:30 at night! We've been talking for 2 hours!" If ever I had a view, something bothering me, or a humorous quirky story and NO ONE, I mean no one, understood it, Desi was sure to. I'm talking things I would think over and over in my head, even the most remote observations that SURELY no one else noticed - Desi did. Is it possible to have 2 people so different, yet so completely alike? 

Every time Desi walked out that door I'd tell him I loved him. I didn't care if he was going to the corner store, I still loved him. The best part was he loved me back. Being loved by Desi was one of the best feelings in the world. He was such a cherished person that being loved by him was like a compliment. 

There was one particular moment that I can remember loving Desi so much that I didn't think it was possible to love him more. We were chatting and I asked him if he wanted to have children when he got married. Yes he did, but he knew there were so many children out there already who didn't have homes, like in 3rd world countries, so he was thinking he would adopt. I said that would be so cool, but then he probably wouldn't have children of his own too because he may love them more. He replied in the most sincere way, "Nope ... I don't think I would." At that moment, hearing him say that, I knew he wouldn't have. 

If I could have one last conversation with Desi I'd start by telling him I love him. I'd be holding his hand. I'd tell him all about what has happened since he was gone. I'd make comments, he'd understand, he'd make a joke, I'd laugh. Then he'd ask me if he still looked good and I'd say "In a reincarnated kind of way." And he'd say "I love your analogies Tam". And then I'd give him a hug and he'd be gone. 

It's not so much that he's not here but that I know he's not coming back- to me anyway, not for some time at least. 
 
 

Once in a lifetime you meet someone so special and you absorb them so thoroughly it's as if you're one. Hopefully for me it will be twice in my lifetime. 

We once joked that we got along so well that we should have been a "pairs" skating team ... we had even developed our own move. 

Desi and I had this joke. In the Walt Disney movie "Aladdin" the bad guy was named Jafar, and he had a line where he said "Tell me more about ... myself!" We joked that that was Desi's motto because he loved hearing stories about himself. My family was joking the other day about how Desi must think this is great, everyone is going to be telling stories about him all the time now. 

How true that is of Desi, because in all your interest for him he had equal interest for others and their stories. 

Desi would KILL me for saying this ... but for the last several months, since we moved, Desi's room was small and he never had a bed in it because he wanted to use it for a studio, so he used to sleep on the couch, or sometimes in my room. He'd come upstairs ready for bed and I'd be cleaning or working in my room and he'd say, in a whining voice, "When are you going to be done?" I'd reply, "I don't know, in a while." Then a few minutes later, as he lay there trying to sleep with the light on and me working, "Are you going to sleep yet?" "No Desi, I have things to do!" He'd moan and then whine, "But I want to go to bed!" 

Desi was my best friend before he was my brother. 

He used to write me little notes all the time and leave them where I would find them. Once he wrote my name on a piece of paper and it was written like a dictionary definition with syllables, accent, etc. It said "Ta-ma-ra: Definition 1: A blond haired, butt headed, buck toothed creature native to Israel." Just as you're about to slap him you read "Definition 2: My sister that I love." Then he drew two pictures, one of a butt headed, blond haired ugly creature and for definition 2 it says "Too beautiful to show." 

Once Desi was on the computer and I had gone to the garage to get something. He finished up and went upstairs. I sat down at the computer to check my e-mail. I got a new message from Desi. 

"hi, you just went out to the garage to get solution. i luv you.

bye, me"

Desi, you are my best friend. You are my brother. I love you more than anything in this whole world. You are welcome in my life now and forever. 
 
 

Love,
Tamara
August 1999